Anxiety

Lately Anna has been complaining of stomach pains. Lately as in, the past several months. I have not been able to figure out the source of the pain as it seems to come and go and she is unable to tell me why her stomach hurts. I've thrown out several options, asking her if she's hungry or if she's had too much to eat, if she's using the bathroom regularly or if she's gassy, if her tummy hurts after she's eaten something specific. I hate introducing an idea into her head because she'll latch onto something even if it's not true. For awhile she was telling me it was gas, but that wasn't it. Her stomach hurts when she wakes up in the morning, she tells me about it on the ride home from school, it hurts before bed - not every day, but randomly and frequently enough to worry me.

So I've gone on the hunt trying to figure it out. We eliminated chewing gum to see if it was the artificial sweetener or the dyes. We've cut back on carbs, nuts and eggs. I had the lab run a stool test to look for yeast, and we just went through another round of blood testing to look for new food intolerances. The yeast test came back negative and I think the blood tests will too, especially since we did blood testing in December and nothing showed up. The next logical step is taking her to the GI doc and having a scope done, and you know how unwilling I am to do that, especially since I'm not convinced a scope will find anything, and I really don't want to put Anna through that trauma unnecessarily.

The other day I mentioned in an email to DH's mom about Anna's stomach pains, telling her how stressed out I am about it. She wrote back and told me that when she was a child, she had stomach pains too because of nerves. She was shy and anxious as a child. And then it clicked - this is Anna's issue. It's anxiety. I've been waiting for this, knowing that girls with Aspergers are prone to depression and anxiety. I thought we would not have to worry about it until Anna hit middle school or puberty. But I was wrong.

Anna has been through a lot in the past several months, but she's been doing so great with all the challenges and transitions. She is a perfectionist but has been able to work with her teachers to complete tasks that frustrate her. She just did an OT re-evaluation and scored well on her tests. She took the move to our new house amazingly well, much better than Megan did. There have been social issues in her class at school, notably bullying, but it didn't seem to effect her - she talked to me about it but didn't express any conflict over it. We've had a parade of people in and out of the new house but she's seemed to enjoy all the visitors. School just ended for the summer and although I could tell she was transitioning and some days were harder than others, she seems to be okay, which is a little surprising. Normally it'd be two weeks of emotional meltdowns, but this year it's only been a few days of upheaval. For months I have been thinking WOW, Anna is doing fantastic! I don't need to worry! We might just swim through the next few years just fine! And my personality is not one to dwell on stuff, I'm always looking forward to the next challenge. So I thought, great! Anna doesn't need as much help as before, she is mastering new challenges on her own!

Oh, how wrong I was. I had no idea that she's been internalizing all of this. She's been swallowing her anxiety and it's manifesting as stomach pain. Now that someone has pointed it out to me, it makes perfect sense.

Now what do I do? I have been absolutely against medication for her from day one. I remember the neurologist looking at me like I had two heads when I told him firmly - no medication. So far it's been fine - speech and occupational therapies have done wonders, her diet has been life-changing, her school is amazing and there was no need for medication. But now? I don't want her crippled by anxiety. I don't want her to be in physical pain because she's internalizing her stress.

Anna sees the pediatrician next month for her yearly check-up. She'll be seven years old. I never wanted to get to the point where my seven year would need medication for depression or anxiety. I thought we had more time. But I was wrong. I've done well with accepting Aspergers and all its quirks, but I'm having a hard time with this. I don't want my daughter to be crippled by fear. I have a month to work with her myself before her visit to the doctor, to try to talk to her and get her to tell me what she's feeling. Maybe she'll find that talking about it will make her feel better. She'll need to accept the anxiety as something normal for her, and then find ways to manage it. I hope I can teach her to recognize what she's feeling and how that makes her body feel. Knowledge is power...but I realize that sometimes genetics are more powerful than reason. I want to help her myself. But if it doesn't work, I will throw in the towel and talk to her doctor about our options.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
The other day I read this post by Gluten Free Goddess with interest and sympathy, but I still did not make the connection between Anna's stress levels and her stomach pain. Sometimes it takes one of the family to hit me over the head with something obvious. Thanks, Hope. :)

Vanilla Balsamic Vinaigrette

You know what's really fun? When a friend beats down your door and says "taste this and help me replicate it!". The dish in question was a cobb salad from a local gluten free restaurant, but it was not the salad that was giving my friend fits. No, it was the dressing. We tasted and tinkered and tasted again, and eventually came up with something very close to the original. Surprisingly, I tasted vanilla in the original dressing...it's interesting and very simple, but it works. I actually like the dressing as a dip for wedges of iceberg lettuce. I sent my friend home with the recipe we came up with and then told her to tinker with it some more and post her version on her blog. I'll link to it when she does (yes, M, that's a nudge to you!).

1/4 cup balsamic vinegar (Modena or white - both are good)
1 tbsp. agave nectar
scant 1/4 tsp. vanilla extract
8 tbsp. light olive oil or canola oil

Place the vinegar, agave and vanilla in a blender. Turn the blender on and and slowly add the oil in a thin stream. When the oil is incorporated, turn off the blender - the dressing will have thickened slightly. Serve over salad or let the kids try it as a dip for chicken nuggets. Store in the refrigerator up to a week.

Chipotle Shredded Pork

Here's another recipe featuring chipotles in adobo sauce! I begged this off my friend, who throws in a whole can of chipotles into this dish. I use half that amount because I just can't take that much heat. Serve over rice and with sliced avocados or guacamole, which will help cut the heat. Believe it or not, this is great served on a hot summer day. The kids will not go anywhere near this dish, but DH and I love it!

one 3 pound pork loin
one 28 oz. can crushed tomatoes
1 14 oz. can tomato puree
1 large onion, sliced
1 tbsp. dried oregano
2 bay leaves
one 7 oz. can chipotles in adobo sauce

Combine the crushed tomatoes through the chipotles in a crock pot. Place the pork in the crock pot, turning to cover with the tomato mixture. Cook with pork fat side up on low 8 - 10 hours. Turn off the heat. With two forks, shred the pork into the sauce. Serve with rice or tortillas, avocado and shredded Daiya cheddar cheese.

Just One of Those Days (Sniff)

Today is "one of those days". It's a crying day. I hate crying days. I really hate crying in front of people, it makes me feel like a dork. But it's been happening all day and is likely to continue happening until I go to bed tonight, so I may as well embrace it. Thankfully these days don't happen often. Actually, now that I think about it, this has happened once a year since Anna left preschool. This end-of-the-school-year business is stressful stuff!

Today's emotional roller-coaster started when I dropped Anna off at school. Last night she announced excitedly that today was a "free dress day" and she didn't have to wear her uniform. Normally a note comes home announcing these sorts of events, but Anna's been taking out all her papers and spreading them all over the place lately so I thought she just misplaced the note. It's not like her to tell me something that's not true. So we picked out a cute outfit and off to school she went. I thought about packing a uniform in her backpack just in case, but I forgot because today is Megan's last day of preschool and I was thinking about her little graduation ceremony tonight.

So we arrived at school and all the other kids are wearing uniforms. Great. I walked Anna to the office and told her I might have to take her home because she was not wearing her uniform and it didn't look like a "free dress day" to me. Ms. M gave us a slightly stern look and that did it - I almost lost it, but I knew that Anna felt like crying too so I pulled it together. Anna could stay at school because today was a half day, but they'd have a discussion with Anna about "free dress days". I felt so bad for her. She's a rule-follower and I knew this mistake might throw her day completely out of whack. But I left her there in the office thinking it would be worse if I stayed, and that I'd get a call if there was a problem and I needed to bring her home.

Then I dropped Megan off at preschool. One of the other mothers was sobbing, telling the teacher how wonderful she was and how much she'd be missed. Great. I signed Megan in and turned around to say hi to the teacher, and the teacher was crying. So of course I started to cry too. I told her what a fantastic teacher she's been, and she's set Megan up perfectly for kindergarten and I knew Megan would be just fine going to elementary school and it was all because of her. It's all true. Then I beat it out of there so I wouldn't run into any more emotional mothers.

As today was my last day of freedom before having the kids home with me all summer, I ran errands and didn't have time to think about sad stuff. Then I went to pick up Anna. I dropped in the office to apologize for the whole uniform blunder and Ms. M. told me something fantastic. She said Anna was very upset and wanted to go home because she didn't have a uniform. Ms. M. gave Anna a little time to calm down, and then suggested they go to the used uniform closet to find a uniform to wear. So that's what they did, and Anna joined the class. For Anna, that was handled perfectly! See, that's just one of the many reasons I'm over the moon about Anna's school. They get her. They allow her to succeed. So I was happy about that. Yay, happy news!

Then I asked about next year - the girls will be at different schools but have the same pick-up time. I don't think the public school will be very flexible about this, so I asked about picking Anna up early or just a smidge late. I was told picking up early is a bad idea since starting in second grade the kids work hard on getting organized with special folders and stuff, and they really need that time at school. And picking up late on a consistent basis would mean paying for after school care. That's when I started crying again and thinking - oh no, have we made the wrong decision to move? How am I going to work around this? We can't afford after school care. Actually I think I said that out loud, which made the crying worse. Poor Ms. M. - I cried in her office last year around this time too. I should buy her some tissues for her desk and tell her to expect me to cry over something again next year.

On top of all this, Megan is graduating from preschool tonight. The class is going to wear caps and gowns and have a little ceremony. Last week I rolled my eyes at this - really, this is necessary for 5 year olds? But then I saw her little graduation pictures. She looks happy and super cute. It's going to be something special just for her, something done apart from Anna. It will be Megan's night, and she's going to love it. And I know, I just know, that I'll be sitting in the audience watching her up on the stage singing the ABC song in her little cap and gown and I'm going to be crying my eyes out. I'll probably cry all night long. Then I'll be good until this time next year!

My Fledgling Garden

For years and years and years, I've wanted a garden. I've dreamed of growing my own herbs and vegetables, of walking outside to snip fresh basil or thyme for meals. For a few years, I gardened with and for my mom. She had a huge garden plot and one year, DH and I tackled it with a rototiller, seeds, young plants and plenty of sweat equity. We planted peppers, squash, carrots, zucchini, tomatoes, cucumbers, lettuce, beets, spinach, chard. We planted lemon verbena, stevia, thyme, oregano, basil, parsley. It was a lovely sight. We faithfully watered and watched the plants grow. My mom and I would walk through the garden and caress the herbs and inhale their lovely scents. Everything tasted amazing even straight out of the dirt. I loved everything about this whole process - from working the dirt to planting the seeds to weeding and watching and waiting. For me, there is great pleasure in just watching things grow.

Last summer, Anna and Megan got the pleasure of raiding my mother-in-law's small raised garden beds for herbs and vegetables. Megan mostly liked to pick flowers with Grandma, but Anna liked to taste and smell the edible stuff. She would come running into the house with a handful of small green beans and wash them off and eat them raw just like that. She tasted every herb and loved them all - basil, parsley, mint. She loved smelling the herbs and talking to the vegetable plants sweetly, encouraging them to grow. I started craving a garden even more - for me and for my girls.

Lucky for us this year, we have a house with small garden plots of nice pre-worked earth! Since unpacking and settling into the house, I've been outside planting. All my plots are bursting with flowers - vincas, petunias, impatiens and hostas. DH and the girls sowed wildflower seeds and planted giant pumpkin seeds. I went berserk and bought vegetable plants - cucumber, squash, zucchini, tomato and pepper. I went more berserk and bought herbs - basil, cilantro, parsley, oregano, rosemary, stevia, pineapple sage and lemon thyme. I planted a big lavender plant by the front door. There's no more room for plants!

I have big plans for next year. Next year, we'll make our garden plots bigger. We'll plant more herbs, more vegetables, more hostas. We'll plant green beans and berry plants and sunflowers all along the back fence where the sun is hot and bright all day. But this year, I'll enjoy our small garden. After school ends, the girls can help me water and tend the plants. We'll go out and caress the herbs and inhale until our lungs feel like bursting. We'll harvest our veggies and eat them raw with just a little bit of salt. Anna will eat the herbs straight up, just as they are. It's going to be great.

I'm very excited about my big lavender plant. I plan on telling the girls when they get worked up and need to take a break, to go outside and smell the lavender. I hope it will be calming. I hope it will help ease the transition from school to home routine for the summer. Maybe I'm wishing too big, but my fingers are crossed!

Successful Gluten Free Vegan Cake!

The other day was Megan's birthday. All her 5 year old little heart wanted for her birthday was a doll, a dress, and a chocolate birthday cake. I was sweating bullets thinking about making her an egg-free cake. I tried last weekend to modify a cake recipe (Ina's, which looks delicious, flopped for me when I tried to replace the eggs and it went in the trash, ugh). This weekend I decided to hang up my hat and look at an actual gluten free and vegan cookbook. No Swedish Chef for me this time. I needed some serious help. This egg free baking is really hard.

With much skepticism, I decided to trust the Flying Apron. I was skeptical because she uses chickpea flour in her cakes and so far, I've had bad luck using chickpea flour successfully in cake or quick bread recipes. She also uses no starch flours, which was surprising because everything I've read about baking gluten free dictates the use of several flours, including starch flours, to mimic wheat flour. But she has a bakery and I don't, so I decided to take on her Dark Chocolate Cake.

In addition to there being chickpea flour, and no starch flour, there was a heckava lot of liquid in this cake recipe - lots of oil, water and maple syrup. I crossed my fingers and made two changes - I added xanthan gum and used half maple syrup and half agave nectar. And I could not believe my eyes - the cake behaved. It was light and springy! It was not soggy or gummy! I could handle it gently without it cracking! The three layers stacked nicely and frosted well. And then I served it.

I cannot even describe to you the silence that befell everyone as they dug into their slice of cake. The kids made absolutely no sound at all. We had to ask a couple of times how they liked the cake before we got a short "we like it" with an undertone of "leave me alone I'm inhaling cake" to their response. My friend, who is honest above reproach, told me that this was hands-down the best cake I've ever made (and I've made many).

In short, this cake is impossibly delicious, sinfully rich, mind-bogglingly fabulous. If you need to be baking gluten free and vegan as I do, then you really need this cookbook if only for this cake recipe. I can't wait to try other recipes, including breads. And now I can't wait to experiment on my own - I'll bet it's the starch flours that are the evil bedevilling my egg-free cakes conversions!

I leave you with a series of pictures of Megan's birthday cake. It was fabulous, a humongous success. I look forward all day to a slice of this cake after dinner. It really needs to leave the house before I pack on any weight! Anna has a birthday coming up soon and I don't need to be working off Megan's birthday cake when another birthday rolls around!

Oh and lastly, I was very pleased with the frosting. My friend made corn-free powdered sugar for me - it's been a year since I've had frosting! This was really good - fluffy, and the color was pretty. I ran out of cocoa so I used Ghiradelli Hazelnut Hot Cocoa and hazelnut milk to make the frosting, with a generous splash of vanilla extract, and it turned out great. Megan was very happy with her cake. Hooray!

Hazelnut Milk Chocolate Frosting

1/2 cup dairy free, soy free margarine, such as Earth Balance
1/2 cup Ghiradelli Hazelnut Hot Cocoa
4 cups powdered sugar
1 tbsp. vanilla extract
hazelnut milk

In a large bowl, add the margarine, cocoa, 1/2 cup powdered sugar, vanilla and a splash of hazelnut milk. Beat the living daylights out of it with an electric handheld beater. For some reason, I'm finding the handheld makes fluffier frosting than my Kitchen Aid. Add 1/2 cup powdered sugar at a time to this mix, beating constantly, with enough hazelnut milk to make a firm spreadable frosting, scraping down the sides as needed. If you have kids, let them lick the beaters!

Spicy Chipotle Steaks with Chipotle Mashed Sweet Potatoes

I love Adobo Sauce. I'd eat it straight with a spoon if it didn't burn a hole through my tongue. Even though I buy the small cans of chipotles in adobo, I never use them all and I hate throwing the leftovers away. So here's a recipe designed to go together to reduce chipotle waste. If you have any leftover chipotles and adobo sauce, use them in this black bean soup!

Spicy Chipotle Steaks

6 cloves minced garlic
2 tsp. ground cumin
1 tsp. oregano
4 chipotles chilies in Adobo Sauce, minced
2 tsp. salt
2 tbsp. lime juice
1/4 tsp. black pepper
6 tbsp. olive oil

4 steaks, such as NY strip

Mix together the garlic through the olive oil and pour into a gallon sized plastic ziplock bag. Add the steaks and marinate for at least an hour . Remove the steaks from the bag and grill, about 5 minutes per side depending on how thick they are and how you like them. Discard leftover marinade. Serve steaks immediately with the Chipotle Mashed Sweet Potatoes.

Chipotle Mashed Sweet Potatoes

2 large sweet potatoes
1/4 cup chicken or vegetable broth
1 tbsp. dairy free, soy free margarine
2 tbsp. Adobo Sauce, or to taste

Peel and cut the potatoes into 8 pieces. Steam about 10 minutes, or until soft. Drain any water from the potatoes. Add the chicken broth and the margarine and mash well with a potato masher. Stir in the Adobo Sauce to taste. Serve alongside the steaks.

Chocolate Chip Almond Butter Cookies (Gluten Free & Vegan)

(If you don't need to be egg free, see these chocolate chip cookie recipes
here and here.)

Let me be honest with you. I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around my new vegan baking reality. I was okay with baking gluten free. After getting used to the way gluten free flours behaved, it was all good. And baking casein and soy free is no biggie. But it's a lot harder to replace eggs in baked goods. Bread turned out to be good (eternal thanks to Heather for suggesting a gelatin substitute), and so far quick breads are turning out to be good (recipes to follow soon). But cookies have been another thing completely, and I'm afraid to tackle cakes altogether - which I have to get over, as Megan celebrates a birthday next week.

In my mournful egg-free inertia, I ran across Gluten Free Gobsmacked's recipe for Chocolate Chip and Tahini Cookies. They looked really good, and they looked like they might take to being vegan fairly well. So I made a couple of changes and gave them a try. Well let me tell you, these cookies rock my kitchen. They taste awesome, they freeze well, they stay chewy without hardening. In a word, they are perfect. Thank you, Kate, for posting the original recipe and for giving me permission to post my changes. I'm so happy to have a good chocolate chip cookie recipe that my whole family can enjoy!

Chocolate Chip Almond Butter Cookies

Ingredients
2 cups GF flour blend (I used this one)
generous 1 tsp. baking powder
generous 1/2 tsp. baking soda
1/4 tsp. salt

1 cup brown sugar
scant 1/2 cup casein free, soy free margarine (such as Earth Balance)
1/4 cup almond butter
1/4 cup applesauce
1 tsp. vanilla extract

10 - 12 ounces semi-sweet chocolate chips (casein and soy free, such as Enjoy Life)

Method
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Coat a baking sheet with cooking spray, set aside.

Whisk together the flour through the salt, set aside.

In a large bowl, beat together the margarine and the sugar until light and fluffy. Add the almond butter, applesauce and vanilla extract and beat to combine. Add the flour mixture and mix until well-blended. Stir in the chocolate chips.

Drop the cookies by heaping teaspoonfuls onto the prepared baking sheet, leaving 2 inches of space between them. Bake about 10 minutes, until the bottoms are golden brown. Remove from oven and let sit on the baking sheet 1 minute before removing to wire racks to cool completely. Yield: about 2 dozen.

*I like my cookies soft and chewy. If you like your cookies crispy, increase the margarine to a full 1/2 cup and decrease the flour by 1/4 cup.

Outsider

Sometimes when I want to write but don't have the time, I'll jot down notes to help me remember the point I want to make. Then my thoughts will go round and round and eventually I'll get in that mood, and write. I have to be in the right mood. I jotted these thoughts down the other month, noting things that have struck me about Anna in the past year. But I can't seem to get into that mood to pull the thoughts together and express what it is I feel in neat paragraphs. They've remained jagged for months, probably because that's how I really feel about them - jagged, not tidy. Not neat and clean. Not happy or polished. So I'm going to post them the way they came out. It's not a poem (I can't write them and I don't like to read them). They are just fractured thoughts, like crumbs, waiting for something to put them together. I don't know what it will be yet.

~~~~~~
she's my friend
how do you know she is your friend?
because i follow her.

girls at zoo splash park
she follows and mimics them
they turn their backs to her and ignore her
she runs to me and loudly and tearfully says "they are being mean to me!"

so ignore them, go make your own fun

gymnastics, instructor
she runs crying to the bleachers
can't tell me what is wrong
finally says "he was mean to me!"
how was he mean? what did he say? who?
she points, I deduce it's an instructor.
she says "he told me to get off!"
try to rationalize with her...was someone in your way? were you going to bump into someone?
was someone going to bump into you?
she cannot tell me, and is inconsolable, and won't rejoin the group
tell her...you can choose to be upset, or you can choose to have fun and play

a routine that is becoming familiar
we leave early, with tear-streaked cheeks

remembering it's not really that easy
feeling bad about telling her platitudes
not knowing what else to say.
it's hard to comfort her
i push her out of her safe zone because i must
but i want to reel her back in
keeping her safe and happy means
building her confidence when she's away from me
social wounds always hurt the most
and she is already raw

Chocolate Avocado Pudding

This velvety vegan chocolate pudding is made with avocados. And prunes. Yes, you read that right. I don't know how else to preface this recipe other than to say it's really good. The original recipe is by Rice of Life . ( I used prunes because they are easier to find than dates). My girls cannot get enough of this pudding, which is great because it's the only way either of them gets prunes or avocados (which they are clueless about, of course). You can't taste them. It tastes like really rich chocolate pudding, and not at all like avocados or prunes. I'm really not lying, this pudding is fabulous. Because avocado is a natural emulsifier, there is no need to thicken this pudding with starch. It's really fast to make too, it all comes together in the food processor in no time - no cooking or chilling required!

1/2 cup prunes
1/2 cup maple syrup
3 ripe avocados, peeled, pitted and chopped
2 tsp. vanilla extract
1/2 cup good quality cocoa (such as Penzey's Natural Cocoa Powder)
1/2 - 2/3 cup water

Soak the prunes in hot water for 10 minutes. Drain and place in a food processor. Add the agave nectar, avocados and vanilla extract. Process until smooth, about a minute. Add the cocoa and process to combine. With the food processor running, add 1/2 cup water. Scrape down the sides and add more water (up to 2/3 cup) as needed to reach an airy consistency. Enjoy immediately, or chill for later. Serves 6.