at the pace of the Devil, life is hard, we speedballin'...
Ah good Lord, my soul is burnin', about to catch fire!
I'm overheated, about to catch fire - hah!
I can't help myself, I'm on fire!
I'm on fire!
Outkast, Speedballin'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The above lyrics illustrate how I feel like I lived all my life. For me, that's normal...all revved up inside...alive. But you wouldn't know it, really. I'm a good girl. Sweet. Quiet. Shy. Daydream-y. Hopeless at math but a good student otherwise. A fast reader, but it takes awhile to read as I have the tendency to drift off into my own thoughts while reading, which has me re-reading paragraphs and pages. I also have the tendency to drift off into my own thoughts in the middle of conversations with others. But that's normal. Doesn't everybody do that?
Apparently they don't, and that's not real normal. Neither is constantly shifting position in my seat, or bouncing my knee up and down, or tapping my pencil on the desk. In fact, if I have to sit still for any length of time without moving, I feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin. But I don't get up out of my seat constantly. I can sit, I just need to be moving a little bit. And when I'm thinking, I'm moving a lot. Even when I'm falling alseep, my foot is moving rhythmically (sorry, DH, I can see how that's distracting, but I don't realize I'm doing it). I don't talk a whole lot, preferring to read people and situations and stay quiet. But get me agitated and it's hard to shut me up. (Sorry again, DH.)
I really have lived my whole life flying by the seat of my pants. It's exhilarating, really. I do everything at the last minute in a state of high energy. It makes me feel alive, but it drives everybody else crazy. I'd apologize for that, but I'm tired of apologizing.
The other day I went to see a medical doctor who has decades of experience treating ADD/ADHD and in fact has ADHD himself. He's as old as the hills, so I guess that counts for something. He's probably seen it all. I went because I've been doing a lot of reading about ADD in order to understand Megan, and I saw a lot of myself in those descriptions. So I went with a pretty good idea of how it was going to go down. I already knew that was me too, though trying to convince my family was a little interesting. What, you? they said. But DH, he knew. He's been telling me that for a long time. I never took him totally seriously. Because I'm a good girl, a teacher's pet, smart, conscientious. I was never a behavior problem, never disruptive.
But I'm taking him seriously now. The doctor too. The old dude apparently read me in a minute, but only told me so halfway through the visit. I could tell, he said, by the way you are constantly moving. My foot was going. I thought about keeping still but thought, what the hell. It feels good to move, and he probably gets it. So the foot kept moving, more so as I was listening and thinking.
The probable and pending official diagnosis? ADHD. Yes, the whole shebang, even the hyperactive part of it. He wants to do blood work to rule out a thyroid condition or lead poisoning, but he's got me nailed down. Frankly, I'm surprised. Hyperactive? I never would have thought of myself that way at all. Sure I'm in nearly constant motion, but it's not like I'm bouncing off the walls. And good grief, I've lived my whole life this way and it was never a problem! Well, except for all those times I flew through whatever door a the last second...well okay, a few minutes late...always late for everything. But with a winning smile. Which I can tell you can get you pretty far. A sincere and winning smile will get you far.
I left that appointment feeling down. The doctor wants to put me on medication to "stabilize" me. I don't want medication. I don't want to be "stabilized". I don't feel like there is anything wrong with me. I only went because I thought by understanding myself a bit more, I'd understand Megan a bit more and could help her more. Because I don't want her on medication either. I'm really in revolt about the medication issue. It's a crutch. What if we don't have access to it, and then can't cope? No, I want to cope myself. I want Megan to be able to find ways to cope herself.
But I'm driving DH crazy. Always have, but I guess I'm cute enough for him to put up with it. I don't want to drive him crazy. I don't want to drive my kids crazy either. DH is leaving the choice up to me. I called my mom and to my complete surprise, she thinks I should consider medication. My mom - the closest thing to an Earth Mother I know (in a good way) - says I should at least consider medication.
I don't feel like I need to be fixed. But it sounds like I drive my family bananas. My need for movement, crazy creative bursts of energy, intolerance of boredom, frustration with the status quo and thirst for the bottom line...apparently drive my family batty.
I didn't think I'd feel this way, because knowledge is power. But this? ADHD? Blah.
Apparently they don't, and that's not real normal. Neither is constantly shifting position in my seat, or bouncing my knee up and down, or tapping my pencil on the desk. In fact, if I have to sit still for any length of time without moving, I feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin. But I don't get up out of my seat constantly. I can sit, I just need to be moving a little bit. And when I'm thinking, I'm moving a lot. Even when I'm falling alseep, my foot is moving rhythmically (sorry, DH, I can see how that's distracting, but I don't realize I'm doing it). I don't talk a whole lot, preferring to read people and situations and stay quiet. But get me agitated and it's hard to shut me up. (Sorry again, DH.)
I really have lived my whole life flying by the seat of my pants. It's exhilarating, really. I do everything at the last minute in a state of high energy. It makes me feel alive, but it drives everybody else crazy. I'd apologize for that, but I'm tired of apologizing.
The other day I went to see a medical doctor who has decades of experience treating ADD/ADHD and in fact has ADHD himself. He's as old as the hills, so I guess that counts for something. He's probably seen it all. I went because I've been doing a lot of reading about ADD in order to understand Megan, and I saw a lot of myself in those descriptions. So I went with a pretty good idea of how it was going to go down. I already knew that was me too, though trying to convince my family was a little interesting. What, you? they said. But DH, he knew. He's been telling me that for a long time. I never took him totally seriously. Because I'm a good girl, a teacher's pet, smart, conscientious. I was never a behavior problem, never disruptive.
But I'm taking him seriously now. The doctor too. The old dude apparently read me in a minute, but only told me so halfway through the visit. I could tell, he said, by the way you are constantly moving. My foot was going. I thought about keeping still but thought, what the hell. It feels good to move, and he probably gets it. So the foot kept moving, more so as I was listening and thinking.
The probable and pending official diagnosis? ADHD. Yes, the whole shebang, even the hyperactive part of it. He wants to do blood work to rule out a thyroid condition or lead poisoning, but he's got me nailed down. Frankly, I'm surprised. Hyperactive? I never would have thought of myself that way at all. Sure I'm in nearly constant motion, but it's not like I'm bouncing off the walls. And good grief, I've lived my whole life this way and it was never a problem! Well, except for all those times I flew through whatever door a the last second...well okay, a few minutes late...always late for everything. But with a winning smile. Which I can tell you can get you pretty far. A sincere and winning smile will get you far.
I left that appointment feeling down. The doctor wants to put me on medication to "stabilize" me. I don't want medication. I don't want to be "stabilized". I don't feel like there is anything wrong with me. I only went because I thought by understanding myself a bit more, I'd understand Megan a bit more and could help her more. Because I don't want her on medication either. I'm really in revolt about the medication issue. It's a crutch. What if we don't have access to it, and then can't cope? No, I want to cope myself. I want Megan to be able to find ways to cope herself.
But I'm driving DH crazy. Always have, but I guess I'm cute enough for him to put up with it. I don't want to drive him crazy. I don't want to drive my kids crazy either. DH is leaving the choice up to me. I called my mom and to my complete surprise, she thinks I should consider medication. My mom - the closest thing to an Earth Mother I know (in a good way) - says I should at least consider medication.
I don't feel like I need to be fixed. But it sounds like I drive my family bananas. My need for movement, crazy creative bursts of energy, intolerance of boredom, frustration with the status quo and thirst for the bottom line...apparently drive my family batty.
I didn't think I'd feel this way, because knowledge is power. But this? ADHD? Blah.
8 comments:
Erin, I love your honest heart warming post. Only you can decide what is right for you. I too can relate to some of your symptoms, and one thing that helps me is to do yoga - it is very centering and calming - which I need all the help I can get in that department! Good luck :)
Wow. Just, wow. Wishing you peace as you continue on your path. I think it's GREAT that you have such open relationships with your husband and mother. Keep breathing and hang in there!
Thanks, Aiti and Ina. I love your comments and your positivity!
Exercise being centering is interesting. The doctor said that if I did not want medication, the only advice he could give me is to start an exercise regime as movement seems to help. So yoga sounds good to me. I used to do it before I had kids...will have to give it another try!
Is there any diet or exercise that could help? I suspect I have a form of this myself, but I have also found that physical activity tires me to a point of quieting my mind. I'm never really on one train of thought, but I'm going to go with the exercise does something good.
I sure understand your not wanting to take medication. Not sure I would either. But the exercise plan sounds like a good idea to burn away some of the frizzies, maybe an aerobic activity as well as yoga? (Pardon me if I don't know from yoga; I really don't.)
I don't think I have true ADHD, although I read your first paragraph and thought, hmmm, that's me. I do feel scatterbrained at times, and I find that St. John's Wort helps me feel more calm and focused in a subtle way. Maybe an herbal alternative.
JW - I think if any diet was going to help, it'd be the one I'm already on (sans gluten, casein, soy, corn, food coloring, nitrates, etc.). Megan's doc suggested fish oil and possibly B vitamins, so I will have to look into nutritional supplements. The exercise will probably help...I do exercise but maybe could stand to do more...
P. - when I did yoga it was for calming and relaxation. I'll have to experiment with that and aerobic exercise and see which helps more. Thanks for the herbal supplement suggestion, I will have to look into that!
Years ago a teacher at OHA did a yoga video w/ her class each morning geared towards kids called "Silly to Calm". Something like that you could do w/ the girls which they might enjoy. All the kids in her class seemed to love it! Just a thought.
Hi Courtney! :) I really did love to do yoga before I had kids...morning and evening for relaxation. You bring up a good idea...trying to incorporate the kids into it...I'm sure they'd love it. Thank you.
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